Duct Tape Insanity

Building Error 2

2009-08-09T16:41:00.007+02:00

On every building dig mistakes are made. Most of them are due of the lack of communication, but also a wrong technical drawing or just not looking at the drawing at all happens. What does always happen is that everybody continues their work and the mistakes are found afterwards.

Every year people grow taller and taller.

Oh I love those puzzle's where you need to find the difference in the two pictures! This one is hard though ...!?

Are you sure that the train hasn't come by here for ages!?

These men have been busy the entire day working to place the blue iron poles into the ground. The question that comes to mind is; how will they drive away with their van when they're done?

Iron

2009-04-03T16:36:00.003+02:00

It was time to get an iron as some time ago I already got the board, but you can't do much without the iron I reckon ... don't ask I'm a man. Anyway getting an iron is one simple task I thought and actually normally it isn't very difficult buying an iron, but I made one tiny mistake and that's getting it at "Media Market" (=a giant store in Holland like Wallmart).

I've been staring at a huge wall with two hundred irons! The only thing I could think was ... "geez that are a lot of irons". Take inside your mind a lot of irons, multiply it by four and that's about how many irons there were in front of me. A salesman came up behind me and said the legendary sentence; "are you searching for a ...". I ask if this is his department and proudly he answers; "yes indeed sir I'm the caretaker of this entire iron department". Than maybe I've got an interesting question for you as indeed I'm looking for an iron, but your sharp eye didn't miss that one. I see you've got a lot of irons so could you tell me what would be a good iron for me?

Of course I know that expensive doesn't always mean it's a good product also, but for some reason this does always applies when I'm inside the store. I always go home with the most expensive item from the store. I've got no idea "HOW" they do it, but they just do it.

The salesman that I was talking to also. If you want the best sir than you've got to take that one over there and that is by accident also the most expensive one, BUT than you'll have the best one! It's the caviar of all the irons. I've got that one at home too! Actually I really can't tell you this, but for the two hundred euro ... that you pay MORE you get 500 Watt power extra!

My jaw drops and the mind of a man begins to work. I begin to count the hundred watts on two hands. Yes indeed I do need some Watt in power. As when I've got more watt ... than I can iron ... longer!? Or can I put all my clothes on one pile and just throw the iron over it? Yeah I need that much power! This works if a man tells another man do you want "better", "bigger", "stronger", "fatter" ... it could be about a iron, but every man will react; "YES OF COURSE ROARRRRR!". So I go out the store; "A 500 WATT IRON ALL FOR ME!!!!".

Not even ten seconds after I leave the store; I stop, look back, look down at the bag and think; "what just happened?"!?

Silverware

2009-03-21T13:47:00.021+01:00

I'm sitting in a restaurant with some friends and the women I love. We just ordered and waiting for the waiter to bring the plates with delicious food to our table. Everything is as it supposed to be. Nice conversations with the people I enjoy being with. The waiter brings the plates with hot steaming food to our tables. It smells excellent and I get hungry just by sniffing up the hot steam coming from the food. "Eet smakelijk" (=have a nice dinner) is what everybody says to eachother.

I pick up the spoon and fill it up with food from the plate. I bring the spoon to my mouth and that's the moment my mind begins to think; "wait a minute ... what am I doing?". I'm about to stick a spoon inside my mouth that was a half hour ago inside the mouth of somebody else that I don't know. Some dirty bastard that licks his spoon every second he can. Somebody that has problems with bleeding gums or rotting teeth. That's the spoon that I'm about to stick inside my mouth.

A spoon inside my mouth that was thrown a half hour ago in a cistern of tepid water where it could soak with the rest of the dirty silverware. A big cistern of tepid saliva with bits of food. As it's busy inside the restaurant the silverware won't be pulled out one by one, polished and dried. It's picked up all at once and shaken two or three times till it's dry. My spoon slips out of the waiter his hand and on the floor under the counter where it becomes one with it's surrounding. A waiter finds the spoon ... picks it up ... spits on it and dries it off on his sleeve to afterwards roll it up in a napkin to give me it and say; "Eet smakelijk meneer Kamphuis!" (=have a nice dinner sir Kamphuis)

And still people think it's weird that I take my own silverware to a restaurant.

Building Error 1

2009-03-18T10:00:00.004+01:00

Visiting a lot of building digs come the strangest things to mind and eyes looking at safety at the dig. I'm not sure how stuff works in other countries, but here we've got something called the "Arbowet = Arbeidsomstandighedenwet" (USA Labor Law). This is a Dutch law that is full of rules for the company and their workers primarily about safety. The main goal of this law in short terms is to prevent injuries or sickness caused by work.

The "Arbowet" tells us a lot about safety for the workers at construction digs. Somewhere I think the below people didn't get our memo about the "Arbowet"?

Teamwork ... three in a row and one to go. I wonder what happens if the last person on the left steps off the board!?

Eh ... introducing the newest fashion in safety helmets! I wonder how he ever tested if this actually works, but I've got to admit it's probably the cheapest safety helmet available!

Yep it's just a way of looking at safety in general. If you can't breathe air, than you can't breathe toxic fumes either. Just genius!

I Love You!

2009-02-14T08:00:00.012+01:00

There won't ever be enough words to tell you how I feel, but here's for everybody in the world to read in their own language ...

afrikaans : Ek het jou liefe
afrikaans : Ek is lief vir jou
alsacien : Ich hoan dich gear
amharic : Afekrishalehou
arabic : Ana Behibak (to a male)
arabic : Ana Behibek (to a female)
arabic (Formal Arabic) : OOHEBOKI (to a female)
arabic (Formal Arabic) : OOHEBOKA (to a male)
arabic : Ib'n hebbak
arabic : Ana Ba-heb-bak
arabic : nhebuk
bari (a Sudanese Language) : Nan nyanyar do ( I love you)
bari (a Sudanese Language) : Nan nyanyar do parik (I love you very much)
basc : Nere Maitea
batak : Holong rohangku di ho
bavarian : I mog di narrisch gern
bengali : Ami tomAy bhAlobAshi
bengali : Ami tomake bhalobashi
berber : Lakh tirikh
bicol : Namumutan ta ka
bulgarian : Obicham te
cambodian : Bon sro lanh oon
cambodian : kh nhaum soro lahn nhee ah
canadian French : Sh'teme
cantonese : Ngo oi ney
catalan : T'estim (mallorcan)
catalan : T'estimo molt (I love you a lot)
catalan : T'estime (valencian)
catalan : T'estimo (catalonian)
chinese : Wo ie ni
croatian : LJUBim te
czech : miluji te
czech : MILUJU TE! (colloquial form)
danish : Jeg elsker dig
dutch : Ik houd van jou
esperanto : Mi amas vin
estonian : Mina armastan sind
farsi : Tora dust midaram
farsi : Asheghetam
farsi (Persian) : doostat dAram
filipino : Mahal ka ta
filipino : Iniibig Kita
finnish : Mina" rakastan sinua
flemish : Ik zie oe geerne
french : Je t'aime
french : Je t'aime comme un fou (Charlesbois)
friesian : Ik hou fan dei (Dutch dialect)
futunian : Kuau alofa kia te koe
gaelic : Tha gradh agam ort
georgian : Me chen mikvarxar
german : Ich liebe Dich
greek : S' ayapo
greek : (Ego) philo su (ego is only needed for emphasis)
gujrati : Hoon tane pyar karoochhoon
hausa : Ina sonki
hebrew : Ani ohev otach (male to female)
hebrew : Ani ohev otcha (male to male)
hebrew : Ani ohevet otach (female to female)
hebrew : Ani ohevet otcha (female to male)
hindi : Mae tumko pyar kia
hindi : My tumko pyar karta hu
hindi : Main tumse pyar karta hoon
hindi : Ham Tomche Payer Kortahe
hindi : Mai tumse peyar karta hnu
hindi(Kannada) : Naanu ninnannu premisuththene
hokkien : Wa ai lu
hopi : Nu' umi unangwa'ta
hungarian : Szeretlek te'ged
icelandic : M-Ig elska M-~ig
icelandic : Eg elska thig
indi : Mai tujhe pyaar kartha hoo
indonesian : Saja kasih saudari
indonesian : Saya Cinta Kamu
indonesian : Saya cinta padamu
indonesian : Aku cinta padamu
indonesian : Aku mencintaimu
irish : taim i' ngra leat
italian : ti amo (if it's a relationship/lover/spouse)
italian : ti voglio bene (if it's a friend, or relative)
japanese : Kimi o ai shiteru
japanese : Watakushi-wa anata-wo ai shimasu
javanese : Kulo tresno
kiswahili : Nakupenda
klingon : qabang
klingon : qaparHa' (depends from where you are in the galaxy)
korean : Tangsinul sarang ha yo
korean : Nanun tongshinun sarang hamnida
kurdish : Ez te hezdikhem
lao : Khoi huk chau
latin : Te amo
latin : Vos amo
latin : (Ego) amo te (ego, for emphasis)
latvian : Es tevi Mlu (s teh-vih me-lu)
lingala : Nalingi yo
lithuanian : TAVE MYLIU ( ta-ve mee-lyu)
luo : Aheri
madrid lingo : Me molas, tronca
malay/indonesian : Saya cintakan kamu (grammatically correct)
malay/indonesian : Saya cinta akan kamu(expanded version of above)
malay/indonesian : Saya sayangkan kamu (grammatically correct)
malay/indonesian : Saya sayang akan kamu (expanded version)
malay/indonesian : Aku cinta pada mu (most direct translation)
malay/indonesian : Saya cintakan awak
malay/indonesian : Aku cinta pada kau
malay/indonesian : Saya cinta pada mu (best, most commonly used)
malay/indonesian : Saya sayang pada mu
malay/indonesian : Aku sayangkan engkau
malay/indonesian : Saya sayang pada mu
malay/indonesian : Aku menyintai mu
malay/indonesian : Aku menyayangi mu
malay/indonesian : Aku kasih pada mu
malay/indonesian : Aku jatuh cinta pada mu
mandarin : Wo ai ni
marathi : maaza tujyaavar prem aahe
marathi : Mi tuzya var karato
marathi : Me tujhashi prem karto (homme vers femme)
marathi : Me tujhashi prem karte (femme vers homme)
mohawk : Konoronhkwa
navaho : Ayor anosh'ni
ndebele : Niyakutanda
nepali : Ma timilai maya garchu, Ma timilai man parauchu
norwegian : Eg elskar deg (Nynorsk)
norwegian : Jeg elsker deg (Bokmaal) (pronounced: yai elske dai)
osetian : Aez dae warzyn
pakistani : Muje se mu habbat hai
persian : Tora dost daram
polish : Kocham Cie
polish : Ja cie kocham
portuguese : Eu te amo
romanian : Te iu besc
russian : Ya vas lyublyu
russian (malincaya) : Ya Tibieh Lublue
russian : Y'a liou-bliou tibya
russian : Ya vac loobyoo
russian : Ya tebya loobyoo
russian : Ya l'ubl'u t'ebya
russian : Ju ljublju tebja
russian : LJUBLJU TEBJA
russian : ya lyublyu tebya
russian : Ya polubeel s'tebya
russian : ya tebya ljublju
serbian : LUBim te
serbocroatian : volim te
shona : Ndinokuda
sinhalese : Mama oyata adarei
sioux : Techihhila
slovak : lubim ta
slovene : ljubim te
spanish : Te quiero (I realy-realy care for you)
spanish : Te Amo ( I love you)
srilankan : Mama Oyata Arderyi
sudanese (Bari) : Nan nyanyar do (I love you)
sudanese : Nan nyanyar do parik (I love you very much)
susu : ira fan ma
swahili : Naku penda (followed by the person's name)
swedish : Jag a"lskar dig
swedish : Iaj Alskar Dej
swiss-German : Ch'ha di ga"rn
syrian/Lebanes : BHEBBEK (to a female)
syrian/Lebanes : BHEBBAK (to a male)
tagalog : Mahal kita
tamil : Naan unni kathilikaran
tcheque : MILUJI TE
telugu : Neenu ninnu pra'mistu'nnanu
telugu/india : Nenu Ninnu Premistunnanu
thai : Ch'an Rak Khun
thai : Phom Rak Khun
tunisian : Ha eh bak
turkish : Seni seviyorum
urdu : Mujge tumae mahabbat hai
uzbek : Man seni sevaman
vietnamese : Em ye^u anh (woman to man)
vietnamese : Toi yeu em
vietnamese : Anh ye^u em (man to woman)
vlaams : Ik hue van ye
wallisian : Au ofa ia koe
welsh : 'Rwy'n dy garu di
welsh : Yr wyf i yn dy garu di (chwi)
yiddish : Ich libe dich
yiddish : Ich han dich lib
yugoslavian : Ya te volim
zazi : Ezhele hezdege (sp)
zuni : Tom ho' ichema

Cat and a Pill

2008-07-12T20:09:00.000+02:00

Like humans animals sometimes need their medications too. However a cat doesn't always understand the concept of medications or "why" we give them, which results in the below situation;

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Go confidently, "That's a nice kitty". Drop the pill in its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow the same procedure as in 1, but hold cats front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle (resist impulse to get new cat).

5. Again proceed as in 1 except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cats mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop pill in quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here anyway?" Open cats mouth, take pill and ... oops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing slashing claws are causing the chaos her, aren't they?

10. Crawl to the linen closet licking your wounds. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread the towel on the floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cats front and back legs over its stomach (resist impluse to flatten cat).

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man - or woman!

15. Resume position 1. Rotate left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop it into cats mouth and poke gently. Voila! its done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (the cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

Why oh Why

2008-05-25T19:00:00.000+02:00

Every single day there are questions inside my mind that go round and round. Most of these don't have an answer, but still every single day they come back into my mind. Find some of these written below.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or just naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?

Can you make a candle out of your earwax?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?

Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?

Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat? (note to self: don't eat soap)

Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free?

During Surgery

2008-04-30T11:00:00.000+02:00

I've had a few surgeries myself ... some good and some bad, but probably more than the average person. The last surgery made me worry about; "What if the anaesthesia doesn't work to good!?".

If you hear the below conversations during your surgery, then you should really worry ... a lot!

"Oops!"

"Has anybody seen my watch?"

"That party from yesterday was great! I can't remember ever being that drunk!"

"Damn! Page 22 of the manual is missing!"

"It's better to save that part as we might need it for the inquest!"

"Come back with that! Damn dog!"

"Wait a second ... if that is his spleen, then what is this?"

"Give me that ... eh ... mmm ... thingy!?"

"Hey guys? Does anybody know if somebody ever survived 500ml of this stuff?"

"Damn, there go the lights again!"

"Did you know there's a lot of money involved in kidney's? WOW, this one still has both of them!"

"Everybody step back as I lost a contact lens!"

"Where did I leave my glasses?"

"Well, this is going to be an experiment for us all!"

"Oh dear, I dropped something! The floor is clean right?"

"What do you mean he didn't wanted to have a sex change ... ?"

"Don't worry, I think that's sharp enough!"

"No I didn't see the x-ray ... did I needed to?"

"FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!"

"If this isn't Mrs. Zuckerman, then who is it?"

"Mmm ... nice boobs!"

"Can somebody inform the family?"

The best of luck with your upcomming surgery and don't worry to much!